Going To Cut You Down
by the-last-puppeter02
Summary: Arizona walked out on Callie. Now, Callie must deal with the aftermath and try to hold herself together. It becomes unbearable and she resorts to the unimaginable. Mentions of Self-Harm
1. Chapter 1

The blood swirled in the drain and the crimson color only mesmerized her. She had cut herself deep and yet felt nothing. She was numb to the core. How had she gotten here and to this point? It was only a few weeks ago that she was incredibly happy. Now, she was nothing more than a shell of her former self. 'I want to have a baby' kept playing in her mind and the look her girlfriend gave her crushed her heart. She didn't want the same thing. It was the fear that something would happen to their child. Callie had tried her best to reason with Arizona. All children got sick, but not every child died. Her girlfriend had expressed the fear of seeing that tiny coffin like she had seen so many tiny coffins in her dreams. The conversation ended with the blonde walking out without so much as a word.

She hadn't come back. Well, she had but not to talk to her. A few days after the split, she came home and found Arizona's stuff gone. There was a note on the counter.

_I'm sorry I can't give you what you want. Forgive me._

_-AZ-_

Every day since then, Callie looked at the note and her heart ached for the blonde. It was obvious that Arizona was avoiding her at the hospital like she was avoiding the phone calls and small texts. Mark was her source of comfort but there was only so much he could do. He brought up the idea of revenge sex but she was not interested. It had been more of a joke than anything. Callie didn't want to get revenge on Arizona. She wanted to talk to her. She wanted to see her. There was a gaping hole in her heart and she felt like she was drowning.

Now, she had resorted to causing physical harm upon herself. She didn't feel good enough. Shakily, her hand went to push the mirror of the medicine cabinet shut. Callie took a good look at herself. She didn't look like herself at all. She was unrecognizable. "Will you notice me now?" she whispered into the mirror and tried to keep her emotions at bay.


	2. Chapter 2

She saw her first and immediately rolled in the other direction. The blonde was avoiding. Honestly, she didn't even know what to say. She was afraid of the confrontation. She was afraid of the awkwardness of the meet. However, the Pediatric surgeon knew that she couldn't run from Callie forever. Eventually, she would be unable to hide anymore and the task would be all too exhausting to keep up with. Right now, it was the only thing she could do. Arizona watched her from a safe distance and furrowed her eyebrows. It pained her to be so far away and yet she knew that it was for the best.

The blonde took note of Callie's appearance. It didn't take a genius to notice how rundown she looked. Her hair was un-kept and the dark blue scrubs that she wore seemed to have been slept in due to their wrinkled appearance. Arizona wanted to reach out. She wanted to fix her and say something comforting. What though? All she was good at was hurting people. She had hurt Calliope and it showed. Her gaze drifted away as Teddy interrupted her thoughts, "Do you have a minute?" the cardiothoracic surgeon asked. Arizona pursed her lips together and nodded. Her baby blues went to drift in Callie's direction, but the woman was gone. Teddy realized that Arizona wasn't paying attention. "What's on your mind?" A sigh escaped her lips as she tucked few loose strands of hair behind her ear. "Trying to figure out if I made the right decision" she admitted. Teddy knew about the break-up, but not the details in general. "Maybe you should talk to her." Arizona quickly shook her head. "I can't, at least, not now."

Callie's stared mindlessly into the untouched lukewarm coffee that Mark had gotten her. Mark kept his focus on his best friend and was trying to figure out what to even say. He knew she was hurting. It was evident. His hand slid across the table as his fingers wrapped around her wrist gently. "Hey…talk to me" he whispered and waited for her to come out of the daze she was in. Her dark pools met his and tears brimmed in her eyes. It pained him as he moved and to her side. Nothing was said as she leaned into him and sobbed against his chest. His arm wrapped around her body as he whispered soothing words to the broken woman. He clearly had no idea how much trouble she truly was in.

_Hours later:_

She held the picture of what happiness used to be. Now, there was nothing left. What was the point in keeping this around? It only brought her grief. Ripping it, she disposed of the memory and grabbed the rest of her stuff. Her shift was over and she was going home alone. Callie threw on her jacket and went to head out. Looking up, she stilled as she came face to face with the woman who meant the world to her. "Arizona" she breathed out.

"Calliope." It made the Latina's heart ache. She missed that. She missed her. She missed everything. No, she couldn't allow herself to fall for that. Quickly, she brought her wall up in order to protect herself. "I need to go." She brushed past Arizona and the blonde went to reach out. She was crushed as Callie pulled away almost instantly. "I'm sorry, I have to go." No, she wouldn't let her go. Arizona grabbed at Callie's wrist and watched as she flinched at the sudden contact. Immediately, she let go. "Please, don't touch me." The words were a huge blow for Arizona as she watched the woman that she still loved more than anything walk away.

Upon arriving home, Callie frantically searched for something sharp. Success! She rolled her sleeve up and drew the blade over the flesh several times. Blood oozed from the self-inflicted wounds. She breathed a sigh of relief and slid down the wall. All the built up emotions from today had finally been released. This was her own little secret that no one could find out about it and no one would expect her to fall into. It was just her and the shiny blade that brought her relief.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a few days since the confrontation with Arizona. It had been the first confrontation in weeks. It could have played out differently if Callie allowed it to. She retreated, however. She had ditched her plan of trying to talk to Arizona. It wasn't that easy and at that moment she panicked. She ran because it was the only thing she could do.

The warm rays of sunlight broke through the blinds and danced playfully upon Callie's face. She stirred from the slumber and groaned as she went to bury her face into the pillow. She was almost back to sleep when her annoying roommate, Cristina came barging in and questioning her about the visitor sitting at the dining room table. "What?" Callie grumbled and lifted her head from the pillow. "Are you and McPerky back together?" she asked and crossed her arms over her chest. It took Callie a moment to realize who Cristina was talking about. "Arizona?" Cristina rolled her eyes, "No shit Sherlock. She's at the dining room table and with donuts. Enjoy." She was left shocked by the sudden load of information. Arizona was here.

Fear gripped her as she eased herself up into a sitting position. Her stomach churned violently as she felt the bile rise. Callie barely made it to the bathroom before she lost her stomach. The dark haired woman was unaware of Arizona's presence. It eventually became known as she felt her hair being held back as she heaved into the toilet bowl. "It's okay" the blonde whispered and gently rubbed her back in comfort. Callie was exhausted and unable to move. With the help of Arizona, she was led back into the bedroom and into bed. "What are you doing here?" The covers were pulled over her shaking body as a cool hand brushed over her forehead. "Checking up on you." She was worried and had every right to be. Something was wrong with Callie and she could tell.

"What's going on, Calliope?" she asked and stared into those dark orbs of hers. The eye contact did not last as she watched her look away. Tears pooled in her eyes as she went to take her hand. This time Callie did not pull away. "Please, tell me." The brunette swallowed hard. She couldn't. "I can't, Ari. Please, just go away." No, she wasn't having any of that. Arizona shook her head. "Fine, don't tell me, but I am not leaving. Deal with it." Forcing the Latina to move over, she pulled herself behind her and wrapped her arm around her waist.

"Why are you doing this?" The question made Arizona's heart clench. She bit her quivering lip and forced herself to not fall apart, "I still care about you. Don't think that I don't because I do. You mean the world to me." Callie laughed, "Really? Then why did you leave me?" Nothing was said. Arizona didn't know how to answer that question.

After awhile, soft breathing was heard and Arizona saw that Callie was fast asleep. A smile tugged on the ends of her lips. Her fingers danced lightly on her arm. Something caught the blonde's attention as she pulled up the sleeve. What she saw next felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest and stomped on. The color drained from her face. Tears slipped down her cheeks as she stifled a sob. Was her pain unbearable to handle, that she had to resort to physically harming herself? Arizona took in the fresh cuts and the ones that were just healing. Callie's secret was out.

"Oh Calliope." She drew herself closer to the sleeping woman and rested her chin on her shoulder. "I love you."


End file.
